day one

Everything makes me want to smoke: my mother, slow internet, this house. Maybe not everything. It's more like stress. I think to myself, what will it be this time that makes me cave to the death act of lighting up? I wish that were dramatic.

I went for a walk earlier and it helped. I don't really trust myself though, that with the right amount of stress and misfortune I won't smoke. It's pretty twisted.

Again and again and again: this time in Michigan

I understand that I need to change my attitude about quitting smoking. I feel as though I have tried every method: patches, gum, lozanges, cold turkey, fear of God and cardiac arrest. Eh. I just watched a video highlighting the opportunity to "feel 18 again by quitting smoking". I don't want to feel 18 again. Of course that doesn't mean I should smoke.

I didn't smoke for the last five days and it was not difficult. Incredible stress, ie the threat of hospitalization, when I knew or at least hoped I was okay, and the lack of having a loving partner in my life to help me decide whether or not, at 29 years old, to listen to my mother, made me buy a pack of cigarettes. I knew I was giving up and I just didn't care. The last couple of years I have gotten very skilled at saying fuck anything, lighting up and smoking anything, and giving up.

Maybe if I hadn't smoked yesterday I would've walked outside up on top of the hill and been killed instantly by an insane bow hunter. These are the kinds of illogical thoughts that come into my mind when I attempt to quit smoking.

I did feel good. It felt good to walk 6 or 7 miles to the bar yesterday instead of smoking, just to have a cheeseburger and remember my undeserved life of privelege in Olympia. I have never been able to spell the word privilige correctly, with the exception of just now, and that also makes me want to smoke.

In Washington state, which has become my home and to which I hope to soon return, I used and then exhausted the services of the generous state quit line, not once, but twice. Sometimes I was able to quit smoking for a week or less by increasing the amount of other substances I injegested in vain attempts to cope with stress.

Tonight, I am going to try again, with my mom, who is also trying to quit, but who also enjoys smoking. It seems like a sin to talk about my fears of cancer or heart failure at 29 when she is in her mid 40s and still smoking also. I should probably quit for her as much as for me.

I do want to be free of all addictions, except perhaps true love, which I may or may not have experienced or had the opportunity at but was too intoxicated to realize. By 2012 things will change. Hopefully this is day one again. I need to decide, whenever I decide it, that this is it, never again. I've said that before though so this time something has to be different.

Here are some reasons I want to quit:
lots of other people want me to; i want to sometimes but when i think it will kill me i want to ALL the time. Yes. I need to focus on that, on how my heart hurts sometimes, on how much more congested I feel when I smoke. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I want to live to be 80, at least.

Here are some things I can do when I want to smoke:
walk 6 miles to Chippewa Lake
walk to the radio tower on 65th Ave, call CMU public broadcasting and ask random questions about why we cannot get reception at the house, yet have to look at their television tower every time we drive to Big Rapids
call someone, like the Washington State Smoking quit line, haha
write an angry poem
paint
drink coffee
apply for jobs
walk to Barryton and try to get a job at Lonnies
rake leaves until I get mad enough to walk to Chippewa Lake

:)

New quit date: August 1st

Well, I am gearing up to quit smoking again. I am picking August 1st as my date. That is the same date I quit last year. This time I am going to make it longer than 9 months. Hopefully this will be the last time I quit :)

still smoking it all up in the big pacific northwest

Still smoking. Back to a 1/2 or even a pack a day sometimes. I know I need to quit. I am going to play softball. Although the city of Portland league I played on often didn't care if in-fielders lit up I am SO NOT DOING THAT this time. Although, a part of me knows I can run the damn bases even if I keep smoking. It's like having a little smoking devil on my shoulder whispering "aw, its not that far, besides, sliding is everything and you could do even that with a cigarette in your mouth!!!!!"

we shall see.

keep the dream alive

smokin'

off the wagon

well, i am officially off the wagon. Smoking about a half a pack a day again. Guess its time to start a new quit date. Hmm..... to be continued !

Let the record show I smoked and enjoyed it

but tomorrow is another day

8 months and all i want to do is watch it go up in smoke

my ex partner (that sounds so stupid, like we worked at a law office or something) has smoked 3+

of course that naturally means i should cheat too!

;)

-"smokey" the blackjack playing bear

7+ months

havent had ONE PUFF in over 7 months now, though i have been thinking about it lately. especially when i go to portland where it is still legal to smoke in bars... really difficult there. One day at a time i guess,

!

my six months

was on friday. i was around a bunch of smoke today and wasnt even tempted. i wont smoke again :)

Seriously thought about it again

Well, I seriously thought about smoking again today. This time I actually went so far as to imagine myself buying a pack and having the ole "just one" that has broken every quit I have ever had. Time makes me forget, I guess.

I wondered whether or not I would be able to hide it from Evan. I wondered if I would even care if I could hide it (of course I would care, that was the addict thinking). I thought about it probably for 15 minutes this afternoon on and off. Just about how I could go get a smoke and how it would feel to inhale the smoke, and how it would relieve my stress.

Then my mind wandered to something else, and I forgot about it until now. So, instead of smoking now, I told Evan about it and now I am having a glass of wine.

I have to admit now I am not sure if I will be able to stay quit. I know that I can stay quit, I know I should stay quit. The trouble is, I have to keep wanting to stay quit.

Deep down, I am still addicted to cigarettes, and if I don't constantly remind myself that I no longer smoke, it is very easy when I am stressed to start thinking about smoking as a way to alleviate stress, which in fact it is not, it is just terrible for my health. No alarm bells though. I won't smoke. I just suddenly want to again... and more often.

5 months for me, 5 1/2 for Evan

we rock!

I can't believe how quickly time goes by!

Pretty soon the weather will change and we can start hiking again. Just a few more months of rain now! :)

i will not smoke

i want to smoke very badly right now. i am not going to do it.

and that is how it is possible stay STOPPED smoking

4 months smoke free

the quit is going great. Had some stress over the holiday but we didn't smoke!!!!!

cat pics

seaside, or: 10/29

Well, Evan and i haven't been doing much hiking lately, mostly because of the change in weather. We did go to the ocean for a few of days at the end of October though. Here are a couple of pics from that trip

3 months smoke free!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so glad i am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10/22/07: lower skokomish

directions

previous quits, miscellaneous thoughts on quitting

Well, its been 81 days since I smoked my last cigarette. November 1st will be 3 months. This is my longest quit ever! Evan hasn't smoked in... 95 days.... over three months! We rock!

I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it... but the cravings to smoke do get further apart. They are about 10 days apart now.... or happen sometimes during stressful situations more frequently... as a sidenote I really think knitting made it easier to quit. Having something to do with my hands has been a really important part of being able to not smoke!

I saw this neat little survey on quitnet, the website that i have gotten so much support and resources from. I think that filling out my previous quits will help me understand how this is a process and that it doesn't matter if I want to smoke as long as I don't give in this time or ever!

WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING 14
WHY i actually remember wanting to smoke and wanting to enjoy it, even though i didn't like the taste, i thought it was cool/arty/adult
WHEN DID YOU QUIT 15
WHY DID YOU QUIT no/limited access to smokes

WHEN DID YOU START 15
WHY i wanted to be rebellious, yes seriously, arty and grown up seeming, i also had more access to cigarettes, then at 16 i had my first job and could buy them myself from a gas station where the cashier "understood" because they were young too...ha!...at 16 i started smoking a pack a day and continued until i was 23
WHEN DID YOU QUIT 23
WHY DID YOU QUIT my first serious attempt was when i was 23 and lived in eastern washington. i wanted to quit because by then i realized smoking was stupid and would kill me eventually. This first quit was cold turkey and I went 36 days.

WHEN DID YOU START 23
WHY i made up some stupid reason i can't remember anymore. i rationalized blowing my quit. i told myself that i wanted to live my life how i wanted and i wanted to smoke so i was going to smoke. this is/was so stupid. now i feel stupid i wasnt smart enough to see this as just more "junkie thinking"
WHEN DID YOU QUIT 24.. just over a whole year later
WHY DID YOU QUIT i wanted to be healthy... i had fallen in love with Evan by then and he wanted to quit more than i did, but i wanted to try for him. I went ten days this quit.... this was when i was really active in my old peace and justice circles and ALL MY FRIENDS along with pretty much everyone i knew smoked and smoked. It was so hard to try and quit...then.......

WHEN DID YOU START 24 ...
WHY...on my 10th day of not smoking the US military started shipping Stryker vehicles to Iraq through our port and I was at a protest with my friends and EVERYONE was smoking. I couldn't stand it and bummed one from a friend. I was up to a pack a day again within three days. Really though, I COULD HAVE NOT SMOKED but I MADE A CHOICE TO START AGAIN
WHEN DID YOU QUIT age 25... About 8 months later I quit again with Evan, for the New Year. We both lasted a week.
WHY DID YOU QUIT... in the fall of 06 i had gotten pneumonia and ended up in the ER having lung treatments and antibiotics. I asked the doctor outright if he could tell that I smoked. He told me that he couldn't and that I should stop smoking while I still might be able to get away with my health.

WHEN DID YOU START 25...
WHY I was weak and just didn't want to fight. It was really miserable. I was stressed out, this was before we graduated college. We both wanted to smoke really badly and talked each other into it. In addition our friends had bets on how long we would go. Even though this mockery pissed us off, we still smoked!
WHEN DID YOU QUIT 25... I quit in May 2007 for one week.
WHY DID YOU QUIT.... I wanted to quit for my health, but still wasn't really ready to give up the cigarettes. I just couldn't stand not having them. The thought of not smoking made me panic.

WHEN DID YOU START...25
WHY... like i said I just wasnt ready to quit, lacked the resolve...I was weak, stressed, and used my stress as an excuse to smoke.
WHEN DID YOU QUIT....at 25 again, I quit August 1st, 2007, just less than a month before my 26th birthday.
WHY DID YOU QUIT.... When I started this quit, it was for Evan. He was already two weeks ahead of me and I didn't want to make him start again. But I was also starting to resent smoking as a personal weakness. I wanted to beat the habit, but I also wanted and want to live to be relatively old! This is a new development I guess. I never really thought about the fact that I will get OLD someday until the last year or so, and I would like to be healthy and to be around for as long as possible if possible!

WHY IS THIS TIME DIFFERENT: I have a lot more knowledge about how nicotine addiction works... I understand that if I smoked "just one" I would be back up to a pack a day within days. I understand that SMOKING causes the craving for more smoking. It is a never ending cycle. If I were to smoke it wouldn't make me feel better, or give me peace, or even that imaginary "ahhh" feeling. I understand that if I smoked I would just feel stupid, weak and like a failure. I am never going to smoke again! Smoking will not make me more creative, a better writer or artist, a deeper thinker, will not make me look more creative or unique! It would just make me look like I don't want to live very long! I also have to say that this quit was different.... it was easier in a lot of ways. The first few weeks flew by. I really didn't have the urge to smoke as strongly as I had in previous quits.

Evan says he will fill this out too, so I will post his responses later.

10-13-07.....Copper Creek Trail #876 Staircase area, Olympia Natl Forest

The last hike Evan and I went on was Copper Creek Trail #876. We went last weekend. There aren't any pictures because we loaned the camera to my brother, who had gone to Upper Lena with a friend for the weekend. His hike trumped ours, so we gave him the camera! Copper Creek is a very difficult trail. To get there, drive North on 101 from Olympia, make a left at the turn off to Staircase (I think the road is 119). Drive all the way over to Staircase and park. When you hike in go toward the Shady Lane Trail. Cross out of the National park into national forest. Follow the trail out to a service road (maybe a mile in) and go left down that road for maybe 1000 feet. On the right you will see the sign.

The hike is about 3.0 to the ridge loop. Half way up the trail it turns into a pretty much vertical climb. If you are going to try this, I'd take LOTS of water and have really good shoes. I might even recommend some of those hiking sticks for the way down.

Bonuses: the first 1/4 of the trail is next to a stream that cascades into a waterfall at certain points. Very, very beautiful!