Seriously thought about it again

Well, I seriously thought about smoking again today. This time I actually went so far as to imagine myself buying a pack and having the ole "just one" that has broken every quit I have ever had. Time makes me forget, I guess.

I wondered whether or not I would be able to hide it from Evan. I wondered if I would even care if I could hide it (of course I would care, that was the addict thinking). I thought about it probably for 15 minutes this afternoon on and off. Just about how I could go get a smoke and how it would feel to inhale the smoke, and how it would relieve my stress.

Then my mind wandered to something else, and I forgot about it until now. So, instead of smoking now, I told Evan about it and now I am having a glass of wine.

I have to admit now I am not sure if I will be able to stay quit. I know that I can stay quit, I know I should stay quit. The trouble is, I have to keep wanting to stay quit.

Deep down, I am still addicted to cigarettes, and if I don't constantly remind myself that I no longer smoke, it is very easy when I am stressed to start thinking about smoking as a way to alleviate stress, which in fact it is not, it is just terrible for my health. No alarm bells though. I won't smoke. I just suddenly want to again... and more often.

5 months for me, 5 1/2 for Evan

we rock!

I can't believe how quickly time goes by!

Pretty soon the weather will change and we can start hiking again. Just a few more months of rain now! :)